Some things…


There are a few things I have felt need to be said. Maybe a few things I really need to hear more than anyone else, but regardless, I am placing them here on the internet. Because writing has always been my escape, we all know that. I’ve expressed my love for the clicking of keys beneath my fingertips one too many times, and I will shamelessly continue to do so. The feeling of smooth black plastic pressing down and popping back against my hands soothes my mind in ways nothing else can. This is necessary. And this post is for me. But also for you. I hope you are reading this.

The first thing I feel I must get off my chest is this will pass. We are constantly told whatever is important today will not be important a year from now. And it is so true. When I reflect back to February 22, 2015, I cannot remember why I was upset with you, or anyone else. I can be sure that I was upset, I know something happened. Or maybe that day was absolutely blissful and I felt no pain. (I actually just dug through my Timehop to see that there was a snow day). But regardless, nothing lasts. No pain stays. All of the things that seem oh so important have melted away.  So I beg you, I dare you, please continue to pursue whatever you feel is the most crucial part of today. I promise it won’t matter tomorrow. And a year from now, you won’t even remember it.

Secondly, thank you for sharing doubt with the world. Spreading poison and disaster with each and every step. Allowing the world to flip with the snap of your fingers. The truest most valiant power trip. I do hope it lasts. I hope the smile on your face breathes to be genuine. You won. Congratulations. Here is your award. Here is your crown.

Thank you for the mixed signals. The back and forth. Drunk on sunshine, causing slurs that read through in every message and decode in every hug. The constant wonder behind my wide eyes caused by your insignificant role in my life. Thank you. For you have been the truest friend I have found in a long time. You have revealed who…

Fourthly, thank you for leaving me when I needed you most. Thank you for abandoning me. For believing the lies. For placing blame into my hands. For allowing my mistakes to cause a rift between us rather than helping me to grow. I needed you. I thought I could trust you. I thought you said you were always there for me. But reputation is important. I understand. And I digress.

Most importantly, thank you for being there. Thank you for not just holding my hand. For the late night face times, car rides to nowhere, tearing through zip code after zip code. While physically we are stuck. Incapable of breathing, our oxygen supply has moved eastward. One day. One day we will be there too. I promise.

This has been another oddly satisfying session of therapeutic writing. I apologize to those caught in the crossfire. I hope you read this.

 

Weird Friend Appreciation Post


Life is this odd mix of highs and lows, however we tend to coast in the in-between phase. We aren’t happy or sad, we’re just content. But there are odd moments in time when we can’t seem to find the balance. Things are skewed one way or another.

Right now is one of those times.

Lately, I’ve had a hard time finding the middle ground between being on absolute cloud nine, and feeling like I’m constantly chugging cold coffee (something I would not recommend). But thankfully, I was able to spend the past week surrounded by friends and family – a much needed break.

It’s always been in my nature to be a people-pleaser and to conform to whatever situations I’m thrown in, but it finally hit me – not everyone is going to like you. There are some people who you can bend over backwards for, and they still won’t see any value in your presence. As hard as it has been for me to come to this understanding, this is absolutely okay.

Because at the end of the day, there are people who love and care about you. People who will come over and sit in your house and stay up till 3 am talking about life with you. People who will get mad at you because they’ve known you for five years and have yet to meet your grandparents. People who post your vision board on Snapchat saying “I hate u Manny” because in reality they love how driven you are. And then of course we can’t forget the dog who will sleep at the end of your bed who snores adorably. These people, who do little things make a big difference in tilting the balance to the happy side.

As we teeter-totter our way through life, it’s important to keep these “peeps” in our lives. In a few short months my life is going to change drastically as I move on from chapter to chapter. While high school has been one heck of a ride, for lack of a better description, I’m about to vomit the funnel cake I ate before I hopped on. These four years have been great and all, but I think we can all agree it’s time for a closing. Thankfully, I found the right friends to bring along on the next adventure.

P.s. shout out to Fiene because you rock, I miss you, and you always get me through everything.

Sparkle Hearts


I know I come to this blog often to b!tc# and complain about how horrible things are going, or just to rant in general. This is most definitely a place where I vent. But today, is something else. Today I just want to say thank you.

Maybe it’s this whole senior year thing, but I’ve grown awfully fond of the people I have in my life and I am terribly scared to leave them in a few months. So today, I just wanted to give them a nice little shout out.

For those who were once avid readers, you know that I’ve certainly fallen off the face of the internet, or at least the face of this blog. I won’t lie, times have been rough. I’ve faced a lot, but I’ve also changed a lot. I’m going through the “growing pains” phase of life. And not to quote myself, but I’m going to quote myself because this is something I’ve been saying a lot lately, and it certainly seems to fit this situation – “It sucks. There is nothing else you can say about it. It just sucks” -Sam Finglass.

But here’s the thing about when times suck, (yes I hate that word as much as you do) you get through it. You really do. I read through some of my posts from this time last year – wow things have really changed. Situations that my world once revolved around have slowly faded into distant memories. Life goes on, people move on, everything changes.

Lately, times have sucked. But I really don’t want to dwell on that. What I wanted to do, was say how truly amazing the people in my life are. I have so many great friends. Some live down the street, others are off on the East Coast, but still, they are there. If I had to describe my friends in an emoji, it would be the sparkle heart. Yes, the obnoxious pink heart with twinkling lights suspended from it. That’s my friends right there. If you can’t tell, they are truly amazing.

Everytime I type a text, as I scroll through the numerous emoji options, I always have a smile on my face when I see the nice little sparkle heart because even when I’m having a bad day, it reminds me of just what lovely people I have in my life. There is a sparkleheart at the end of every snapchat vomit rainbow, you just have to find the right friends to maintain a streak with.

Thoughts


I found this beautiful quote today, and I thought I would share.

Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got. -R.Brault

This really just hit me deep. If you couldn’t tell from last night’s ramble, lots of things have happened. Lots of bridges burned. Lots of friendships made. Lots of lots.

This is a year of change. A true transition in my life. The first that is a tangible break rather than a slow diffusion from old to new. Because of that I’ve clung to the past. My comfort blanket of warm smiles and old friends will soon be ripped away from me. I will be the little bird kicked out of the nest. And I am absolutely ready.

But, I still have a year left in the same town I have spent the last 18 years. The streets are the same, the places are the same, the friends have come and gone, but the overall feeling is the same.

But this year, things are different. I’m different. People are different. A lot has happened in these 18 years. There are many times that I should have apologized, and I did not. There are many incidents for which I feel I am still owed a sincere apology. But that quote, the words of R.Brault, really just hit home. We don’t always get the apology we think we deserve. Sometimes we get silence. Sometimes we get friendly conversations that elude the real elephant in the room. But the true apology comes from within. It comes from accepting what happened and being able to move on.

When someone hurts you, when someone truly drives a steak through your heart, it sucks. There is no other way to put it. Pardon my french, but it f-ing sucks. But it does not give you a right to hurt them back. It gives you an opportunity to kill them with kindness. Because as humans, we have a tendency to push away who or what is best for us because they often say what we need to hear, rather than what we want to hear.

Once again, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this blog post. I just really liked that quote.

Uh-oh


Uh-oh I’m at it again.

It’s a writing kind of night.

It has been all too long since I have felt the delicate click of the keys beneath my fingers for something other than schoolwork. This is a breath of fresh air. This is a much needed breath.

Well hi all, I am now a senior. Yes, I said the scary word. A senior. A senior in high school. Not yet an adult, not quite a kid. This strange parallel universe of curfews, boys, application essays, and caring but simultaneously not giving a damn about school. It’s an odd time to say the least. But fun odd. Good odd.

Can you tell I’m scatterbrained? Because I am.

Life is weird. So freaking weird. Donut shops that open at midnight weird.

But I’ve made some new friends since the last time I posted on this rusty old thing. Really nice friends. Really genuine friends. I’m so thankful. I needed them.

Remember back in May when there were two things I really wanted? Yeah, those things didn’t happen. Well, one isn’t completely gone, but at the same time it is. Once again, life is weird.
I’m feeling vague.

Here’s something someone once told me, “GO HOME AND TALK TO ME ONLY”. That was a weird night.

I also made someone’s contact “no” so I would be reminded not to talk to them. And yes, we call each other nightly to see how the other is doing. It’s casual. And healthy. Nothing wrong here.

People who give you their sweaters and make sure you safely got from the light switch to your bed each night are the greatest kind of people.

I hate how girls are only nice to boys for a mum.

This is a collection of random thoughts. Because I have random thoughts. Okay goodnight world.

Untitled


I really don’t know what to title this blog post, because I have no idea where I’m going with it. But as Year 17 is drawing to a close, I felt it was time to reflect the only way I know how, through writing.

I recently told myself I was giving up a) this blog and b) subtweeting because recently neither had been helping me. Well, I caved on b, and writing is my passion, so I really couldn’t go through with a. So here I am, once again, sitting in bed, staring at a computer screen, and clicking keys. My natural habitat.

There is quite a random collection of people who read this old thing, some who know me, some who think it’s about them, some who just genuinely connect with my writing, and some who just happened to stumble upon this pathetic excuse of a blog. Regardless, I want to thank you for being here. You are the reason I am sane, well as sane as I possibly can be. This blog has been a great stress-reliever and way to express myself. And so, today, I am going to express some of the recent things I’ve concluded.

The first, is that life is messy. It doesn’t fit into organized, color coded boxes. One phase of life does not completely cease to exist while another begins. Everything overlaps, nothing is perfect, and within all the chaos, we still seem to find our silver linings. Our wants and needs are dictated by “should”s and “can’t”s and “no”s, while we search the world for someone or something who will say “yes”. Jumping carefree in the wind is nice, although it’s not realistic. We can escape to new cities and fantasy worlds were our wildest dreams come true, but life doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes things are better off in our minds. There our precious ideas are preserved rather than being tainted by the world.

Secondly, spontaneity is a must. Because life is so messy, we must learn to make messes. Secret messes, loud messes, and simple messes. While a day-off trip to Nashville isn’t always in the cards, there is always an opportunity to be spontaneous. Stepping outside of your comfort zone may be scary, take it form me, a creature who runs away shrieking from change, but it is always worth the risk. While browsing Pinterest today I heard the best quote, “Only dead fish go with the flow”. Just because something is in place now, does not mean it will be forever. Things change, people change, you have to accept that, and make your own path with that knowledge.

Thirdly, a good friend taught me there is a difference between forgetting and moving on. While both may bring a similar outcome on the surface, deep down there is a vast difference. In this messy, chaos of life, I urge you my beloved readers to never forget or move on. Hold on to the memories and the emotions, good and bad. Absorb all that you can, and cherish the moments you have with everyone while you have them. Nothing lasts forever, and it is so rare that we get a second chance, but we are always capable of reminiscing. While I do believe that everything happens for a reason, I more thoroughly believe that everything happens based on our perspective. There is always a glass, whether it is half full or half empty is up to you.

And finally, I learned the importance of friendship. Our soulmates are not our first kiss, first heartbreak, or the person we see as we walk down the aisle. Our soulmates are the ones who will stay up late talking to us when things don’t go right. The ones who will laugh loudly with us, hold our hands, stare at the moon, and just be humans with us. Our soulmates are the people who don’t need to be told “I love you” each night, because it is unspoken. It’s in the smiles we share and the inside jokes. The diets, the heartbreak, the life lessons. Our soulmates are not the person we find physically attractive, not even the person we find intellectually attractive. Our soulmates are our friends. The ones who will be at the end of the aisle in the bridesmaids dresses or groomsmen tuxedos. The ones who will surprise us with Whataburger at 3 am when we are going through a messy break up. The ones who will travel across the world with us to hit the perfect beach. The ones who will plan out futures of neighborhoods and kids who grow up as best friends. Those are our soulmates. Those are our friends. Because above all, friendship prevails. People break up, marriages don’t work, and we constantly confuse lust for love, but friendship is always there. Friendship is the key.

That is all I have for today. Philosophical Sam must go to bed now.

Time Travel


How cool would it be if we could travel through time? No seriously, how amazing would that be.

As I’ve learned through many movies, going back in time is very dangerous. One tiny change can upset the entire future. And as much as I would love to go and change the past and re-arrange things so that my life could be exactly how I want it, I know that is not any kind of reasonable. But I would love to go back just to re-live a few moments.

Think about it, wouldn’t it be great to feel that adrenaline rush again? Or immerse yourself in the butterflies that once overtook your stomach. How nice would it be to spend that perfect night once more?

Of course, this is completely un-reasonable and unfathomable, so I am forced to hold onto that small amount of magic left in our wake through my dreams, but one more time would be great. There are so many moments I would stop and take in: Smell the roses a little longer, hold on a little tighter, and laugh a little louder.

But, unfortunately, time travel isn’t a thing. Sad tweet.

But really, how cool would that be. To be filled with those emotions all over again. While it might hurt to remember, because we eventually are forced to return to our own little version of reality where things have changed and people have moved on, it would still be nice to spend a little time back in the past.

Okay, that is all for my mindless rambling tonight. I am so sorry you all have to see the inner workings of my mind. It’s a weird place.